I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
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Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.