I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
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i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Dear Lord..
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
These are my roll models.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.