I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.