I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
All set.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything