i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
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*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
what?
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Okay
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.