I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
“We will wed,” I threatened
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
no one ever comes back
Netflix: We have Less
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that