I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.