I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
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Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future