I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
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@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH