I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
You Might Also Like
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
You deplete me
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.