i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
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The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
They got Raph!
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays