I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
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Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
incredible
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I need this for my side hustle.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.