Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

Boy never ceases to amaze me

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”