I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
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[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Care for your back
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no