“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
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Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
some things should go without saying
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake