I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
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Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
bro what is going on at twitter
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already