i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
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I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
handsome & gretel
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.