I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Living the best life.. 😊
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?