I occasionally drink every single night.
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Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt