I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
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[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.