Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.