I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
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Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I love art.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”