I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
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Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Seas the day!!!!
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*