I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
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i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”