I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
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HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Why soy sad?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.