I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
mood
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell