I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.