I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Morning my dudes.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.