I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Smooooooth
put ‘er there pardner!
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]