I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Kermit goes Blue.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.