I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Lmbo
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.