I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Flock of bats
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts