I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
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Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups