I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I’m confused about plants
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.