I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
You Might Also Like
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Meme Monday.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words