I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
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Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.