I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

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BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day


My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.


Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger


criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no


[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up


I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.


Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.


How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”