@fuzzlime

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

You Might Also Like

@cwhudson

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

@noog

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

@Tbone7219

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

@Shen_the_Bird

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no

@tastefactory

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

@lovejulieacafe

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

@DamonHunzeker

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

@Book_Krazy

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”