I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

You Might Also Like


After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)


[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*


My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.


bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products


Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?


Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that


I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.