@MariyaAlexander Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
@SarahRydgren I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
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@MariyaAlexander 
@noog “I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
@byrdie_num_num Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
@comfynumb2012 Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
@Dani_Feld The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
@justatornado For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
@batkaren Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
@abhorrent_wife Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
@Greg_1_Leg People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
@Keys_To_Me 15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!