@SarahRydgren

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

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@MariyaAlexander

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

@noog

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

@comfynumb2012

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

@Dani_Feld

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

@justatornado

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

@batkaren

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

@abhorrent_wife

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

@Greg_1_Leg

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

@Keys_To_Me

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!