Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Stop making fast and furious movies.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password