I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
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My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.