I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Still a very good boi….
I will never stop laughing at this
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.