I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
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Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
What even happened today?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.