I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
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I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?