I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
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Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
bugs when you lift up a rock
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.