I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
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I don’t think my car can fly
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
“The Perfect Relationship”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.