i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
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wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Jogging has never helped my memory.
shit just got real
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
God has abandoned us.
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”