I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
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Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Interior design 👌
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?