I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
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[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.