I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
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Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
🤭😂
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I saw nothing
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.