I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
two people or more is called a problem
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.