I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
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Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.