I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
You Might Also Like
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed