I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
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I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.