I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
You Might Also Like
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
#Caturday
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
What in the hipster hell is going on here
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*