I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
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She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September