I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
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*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.