i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me