I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
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All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.